I wanna take you to the Island....

Any Paul Brady fans out there (there's more than one, surely?) should get the witty title. Oh how I crack myself up sometimes. Sitting in the empty Daedalus Building in UCD chuckling to myself....

Today's homily, children, is about "The Island", which I went to see last night with friends. It's basically the Matrix, only underground.

And there might be a few plot spoilers in here so if you haven't seen it, read selectively!

The plot is about a man called Lincoln Six Echo, who lives in a self contained community of thousands of people, after an apparent contamination of the surface of the Earth. Lincoln, played by Ewan McGregor-for once having fun while acting) and all his housemates wear identical white jumpsuits, eat identically awful food and have their entire lives organised for them by shadowy computer operators sitting in shadowy behind the scenes rooms.
Like Big Brother, only with attractive people.

Scarlett Johansson plays Jordan Two Delta, one of Lincoln's only friends. And Sean Bean is once again typecast as the intelligent villain. Poor man.

So Lincoln is beginning to suspect lots about the world around him, like "where the tubes go" and "who decided that we all wear white?". This all comes to a head when he manages to find his way into a restricted area of the community...place...thing...and stumbles across an awful secret.

You see (if you're still awake out there) there's a Lottery in the community and whoever wins, being picked at random, gets to go to the "Island", the only placeon Earth that's free from contamination.
But, unlike Dolores MacNamara, there ain't no cash and the reward is actually a bit of a bummer.

Instead of being carted off to paradise, they get......harvested for their organs...

Not exactly the prize you'd be looking for after winning the Lotto then!

And Lincoln finds this out after wandering into another part of the facility..whatever the place is.

The next day-or sometime afterwards- he learns that Jordan (Johansson) has won the lottery. SO he rescues her and they manage to escape.
Yeah, security is that bad.

Then, after running for miles (they're very fit) they stumble across a bar and find one of the workers from the facility that Lincoln had befriended. This guy takes them to his house and explains to them the terrible secret of their purpose in life...

Which I can't tell you.

But the surprise, whatever it is, doesn't come as too much of a debilitating shock to Lincoln and Jordan because they get on the move a few minutes later. The jumpsuits are ditched.

Then they're off on a whirlwind big city adventure,and get chased.

I wont tell you how it ends, or how the middle bit goes, because then you wouldn't have to see it. Unless you want to pay me the EUR8 or so and I'll tell you it all. For a bit more I might even act it out.

Good film, especially for a 12A cert. Lots of gory bits, which a certain 15 year old tomato addict sitting to my right in the cinema did not enjoy. But we sedated her with a bottle of ketchup and things were fine.

A bit long though. A bit way too long!

And the most obvious product placement since I Robot.

So that's my review. 3 and a half out of 5.

Empire, if you're hiring, I'm available.

Odd Names for Everyday Things

Well, another week of waffle beckons and here I am, back again to tempt you to my site with another slightly off the wall post.

Consider this post my "Jesus Juice" and my blog as the "Neverland ranch"

Actually...don't.

My first topic of the day, ladies and gentlemen, is odd names for everyday items. The perceptive among you will already have picked up on that.

The idea for this came to me when I was watching telly last night and the ads came on.
One of the ads was for Mach 3 Turbo razor blades.

Now....I have a Mach 3 razor and, contrary to what the ads might insinuate, it does not move at three times the speed of sound.
If indeed it did travel at 340 metres per second, I would have a bit of a bloody mess for a face!
And would it not also produce a sonic boom too?

I can tell you that the only sonic booms that come from the bathroom are when I've had too much fruit to eat the night before...

I am so sorry for telling you that. No one needed to know.
Try and forget.

And as for Mach 3 Turbo...is it not the most stupid idea in the history of toiletries to have a battery in an object that regularily gets dipped into water????

And by the way, there's nothing special about the Mach 3. Apart from the bloody price of new razor heads.

Anyway, that's the first odd name I came across.

Keeping this post firmly in the gutter, the next one to cross my mind were "sanitary towels".
Is that not the most paradoxical name for something ever?

I mean, it's not a particularily sanitary piece of material.
In fact it's probably one of the least sanitary objects in the world.
If you were going to have your prostate examined, you'd hardly call the doctor's glove a "sanitary glove". Or re-name toilet roll as "sanitary paper".

Next up, and in marked contrast to what I was just talking about, is "health food".
Yeah...wash your hands!

Is there such a thing as "health" food. Surely all food, by providing calories, is good for you, and that it's merely the amounts of the different food stuffs that you eat that makes the difference?

In fairness, have you ever gone into health store? Ever bought and eaten some of the stuff they prescribe?

Oh it's just awful.

If I want to subsist on a diet of sesame seeds and raisins, I will become a parrot.
And sure if you eat too much fruit you'll get gassy, too many oranges will erode your teeth. You can also get abdominal pains.

And this is the best bit, apple seeds contain....

cyanide!!!

Hahaha! Real bloody healthy there!

Next up on the block are countries that put "Democratic" in their name.

Yeah, bastions of liberty like the Democratic Republic of Congo and the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea.

It seems to me that if you need to put the word in the actual nation's title to remind people how free they are, then you might want to think about actually being democratic or be honest about it. I think the titles Authoritarian Republic of Congo and Communist People's Republic ring true a little more.

And isn't it funny that the more dictatorial the government, the greater the propensity for inserting "democratic" into the letter head?

Another is the DART.

Dublin Area Rapid Transit, my arse.

The bloody thing now stops at random places on the line more than it does at actual stations!
And for the last year and a half has not actually run the whole length of track, sue to rail works. It won't be long till the "D" comes to mean "democratic" instead!!

If anyone has any more funny names that contrast a bit with the actual objects they describe lease post them in the comments section.

Bring Home the "Australia One"!!

Good to see McDowell is home.

Now, as the inagural year's "Harping On Minister of the Year" could Herr Justice please wrench his brief back of Nurse Harney?
Apparently he's "on leave" still.

On behalf of the electorate might I say a big fuck that to that news.

Off yer arse and back to work, Mickey. There's people to extradite.

Deutschland uber alles

Em....I'm not sure on this but Pope Benedict might want to rethink his public gestures.

Okay I can understand the reticence to kiss the tarmac. As that was a pretty nasty habit of JP2's. I'm suprised he didn't pick something up off the ground.

I mean you wouldn't star scoring your driveway after being on a car trip.

Well you might...you really shouldn't.


No, what I caution Benny (I'm so going to hell) about is his waves.


It's like this. Popular German figures should not make expanisve gestures with their arms at about a ninety degree angle.

Like yer man...

That's me done till Monday. It's been real.

Peace Out

Immignorant

Now to start off...I have to go through the whole rigamarole of saying that I'm glad that people are coming to work in Ireland form abroad. Especially those from Eastern Europe, some of whom I've worked with. Lithuanians make speed demon bus drivers by the way...

But I have one minor quibble.

Zebra crossings aren't just street paintings.

They're there for a reason.

And It's be just groovy if you didn't try to knock me down the next time I tried to cross.

At the moment I have to peer out like a nervous turtle to see if any foreign reg cars are bearing down on me before attempting to get to the other side. Only when I see "IRL" in blue by the registration do I stick my foot out in full safety. And even then it's always a bit of a hit or miss (not literally hopefully!) seeing as Irish people have an incredible knack for plowing into each other too.

So anyway, cead mile failte to you all. And please stop trying to run me over.

John O'Don'thaveaclue

Was anyone else watching "Rip-Off Republic" on RTE 1 last night?

Our esteemed Minister for Arts, Sport, Tourism, the Gaelteacht, the Islands and whatever else Bertie can stuff in his portfolio, John O'Donoghue, was quoted about the perceived culture of....how shall I put this?

Oh yes.

Bloody gougers ripping off the public for every last cent.

The offical Government response to this general and widespread concern is that-and this is wonderful-there is no rip off culture!

That's a relief, isn't it?

That whole thing about us having the highest excise duty on alcohol in the EU, the most expensive drink and soft drinks in the EU and one of the highest costs of living in the Union...that's all a completely seperate matter.

It gets even better.

Not only is Ireland not in the grip of the most amoral shower of bastard publicans and restauranteurs, but we're doing harm to our own tourism economy by talking non stop about the problem. You know, that problem that doesn't exist?

Aren't we a big bunch of sillybillies? To all simultaneously notice absurdly high prices? And to exercies free speech...how short sighted of us.

Not that they're high, you understand.

No, according to the Minister (the same one moving his entire dept down to his constituency. Had to mention that), Ireland is a low tax and high cost country.

That's just a magical occurance. Apparently. Those high costs, well they just smuggled themselves into the country in a Dell crate bound for Leixlip.

As was completely proven last night, we are not a low tax country where it comes to rates set on food and drink. So Johnny was lying through his teeth in that regard. Or was completely ignorant of the entire issue. Either one would be no suprise to me.

And, as for the cafe bar proposal, Michael McDowell (my Minister of the Year) was effectively prevented from acting in what he believed to be the common good by the Vitner's Federation.

Sorry, sorry, I meant the Fianna Fail parliamentary party. I always get those two mixed up.

The Government and Oireachtas are meant to govern and legislate for the common good of the country. Not to protect the interests of a powerful and wealthy lobby, to which some of them belong to.
The entire political framework of this state is rotten. The national agenda in this country is obstructed by the self serving parish politics and backslapping of lobbies that almost every TD subscribes to.

I swear to God that if I ever get the chance or a public mandate I will do my best to kick in the door and try to bring the whole shambolic edifice down.

Consider this my first campaign promise.

On yer bike!!

Was in a bus going past the Dept of Transport today and caught sight of a sign on the railings outside the building.

It said "Bicycles not allowed"

That sort of does encapsulate the department's attitude towards bikes, doesn't it?!

Can I have a Big MacDaid and a Whopper please?

In a wonderful article in the Times today, former minister Jim McDaid T.D says that he doesn't believe that the Columbia 3 should go back to serve their sentences.

This is the same Jim McDaid who was found drink driving down a motorway, going in the wrong direction...

As someone who wasn't put on trial for his misdemeanours, I can imagine that he isn't in favour of other criminals being put through the same rigamarole.

Thanks for clearing up your position on law and order, Jimmy.

Paramilitary Pigeons

This has gone far enough.

Dublin is being held hostage by bigoted flying rats who are defacing our monuments.

I was on O'Connell St. recently and imagine my suprise to see that the recently cleaned O' Connell and Parnell Monuments have been covered in graffiti.

Bullshit, I hear you say. Actually it's bird shit, but you were close.

Yes the pigeons have struck again. Poor Danny O'Connell, a man with two coats where a hat would do him better, has had his hair dyed white, agains this will, whereas Charlie Parnell up the other end is also sporting a new look atop his head. Now, with his arm outstretched, he looks like he's beseeching someone to clean it off!

Clearly the paramilitaries are behind it.

Unionist ones have defaced O'Connell and the Republicans are suspected of getting Parnell.

I propose an immediate decommisioning of the pigeon's bowels. I know that there would be opposition to this, as it would kill off (literally) the paramilitary pigeon movement but it needs to be done. Like the IRA have done up north with their arms caches, we could plug their backsides with concrete to prevent further atrocities. Not an ounce, not a gram of birdshit should be allowed in our fair city.

Also an independent monitoring committee comprised of sparrow hawks to basically take the pigeon out of irish politics. And apparently the Columbia 3 are accomplished birdwatchers...

If Unionist birds don't like the "Liberator", then they should keep their opinions and droppings to themselves. And if Republican ones want to crown the "Uncrowned King of Ireland", they should find more sanitary ways to do it!

Just my two cents on the matter.

Locomotive. Lo-commotion

I am going to be a DART driver.

Apparently they get paid by the carriage.

What a brainwave that was! Which gombeen in Siptu or the IGTWU came up with the idea that they deserve more money because....their train is getting longer.

Does that make Intercity drivers millionaires?
Or those poor bastards who drive the Enterprise. That train is as long as the border!

The Labour Court has already ruled that they aren't entitled to more cash, which sort of invalidates their right to strike if they went to it for arbitration.
And they were given a pay rise in 2000 in relation to this!

I don't understand the argument they're putting up anyway, bar the "money, money, money" aspect.
Is it that they've a greater responsibility now? Because in that case, they better be paid more during rush hour when there's more people on the trains. Maybe they should install taxi meters in the driver's cabin...
Or is it that the train is bigger? Seeing as the main part of their job is to raise and lower a lever to regulate speed, I don't see that being a tremendous point. It's not like they're being asked to push the bloody thing!

Sorry, you get no sympathy from me.

Put up, shut up, and drive the fucking train.

FARCe

Wanted: One Government.
No prior experience necessary.

I'm realistic on this, Irish politicians are the most inept in Western Europe.

We are currently playing host to three international fugitives from justice.
In addition to the hundreds of terrorists who swan around the North as part of the "ah sure you're alright" release from prison clause of the Bad Friday Agreement.

But you wouldn't know it!!!

Our justice minister is on holiday. In Australia!! Now McDowell is the most vehementy anti-Sinn Fein member of the government, so I think he was told to stay put and leave things to Bertie Ahern and the appeasement posse. Mary Harney is temporarily minister for health and justice (she's bloody big enough) and has been reduced to fobbing the issue off on the gardai whenever she issues a statement from Hawkins House.
And our Taoiseach has yet to actually call for the arrest of the men! Now I know that he can't actually order anyone's arrest, despite what Gerry Adams seemed to think after the Northern Bank robbery, but I would imagine that he has enough clout as prime minister to lean on the guards to get them. And surely the guards are chomping at the bit to get them.

No, I think dear Bertie has told them to lay off too.

So the Bertie is dithering as usual, Mc Dowell is in exile, the Tanaiste has invented a new article in the constitution to let her take his position, the guards can't or aren't allowed find them. Sinn Fein are presumably doing a jig over how this is being handled, the Columbians want them back, Interpol want them, the Americans want the Columbians to have them back, the British want the Columbians to have them back...

And 43% of the population want the Columbians to have them back.
Another 43% wanting them to serve their sentences here.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't want them to go back-on human rights grounds. But they have been convicted and are fugitives. Therefore they should be in jail here in Ireland.
And if Charlie Bird won't 'fess up and say where they are, he should be considered as aiding and abetting criminals.

Plus there's the fact that they were travelling on false passports over there, and presuambly re-entered Ireland illegally.

THEY ARE CRIMINALS!!! LET'S ARREST THEM!!!

For the love of God what is our Government playing at.
Now we now that Bertie made an agreement with the Mafia-sorry the Shinners about releasing the McCabe killers until the Gardai, the public and the man's widow refused to allow it.
I'd put money on the fact that he's done more than that with Gerry.

There'll be another tribunal in a decade over this.

The Taoiseach has a duty as leader of the government to us, the People, to ensure the safety and national security of the State.

What else are you hiding, Bertie? Apart from the Columbia 3...

Fly me to the moon....

Man this is pretty deadly. Would look better sped up, but not much I can do about that! The pilot is some lady to be able to pull a 360 degree flip going at over 20,000 kp/h!!!

Here is where to go for a lot of shuttle pics. Big thanks to Nasa for those.

It's such an iconic image, the shuttle. It's sad to think that these are the poor girls' last years.

That's me done till Monday anyway. Follow the link, have fun and I'll talk to you next week.

Catch y'all on the flip side.

OAP-Old Angry Pensioner!

You know it's silly season when the BBC report on this...

Inthe south France, a senior citizen named David Thiel was taking a nap when he was rudely awakened by low flying helicopters dropping water on a nearby forest fire.

So what does he do?

Does he...shake his fist impotently with rage?
Complain to the emergency services?
Irritate his wife by moaning about for the nest few months?

No.

David fired at it.

Yes, Mr. Thier's solution to a problem is to shoot it.
Thus making him the bravest Frenchman in history.

As you might imagine, the local gendarmerie were around in a bit of a hurry to arrest him for...trying to destroy a helicopter with a hunting rifle....
Dave was having "non" of it, and resisted arrest.

And how, you might ask, did he do that? What weapon did he take from his vast arsenal to combat the long arm of the law?
The rifle? A shotgun?

Nope.
Saucepans.

But of course.

When carting him off to jail, police found 15-fifteen!-hunting rifles in the house.
The judge said that he should not have shot at the helicopters ,"as if they were wild ducks."
No, he should have taken aim....

What a country. The funny thing is that story could so easily be moved to Ireland an so little would have to be changed!

And, when visiting France, if you are possesed with a mad desire to shoot things, it is apparently legal to do so, so long as you aim badly.

Walk like an E-Japtian

This beggars belief.


The Japanese post office, Japan Post, is two years old in its current guise.
An Post is 21 years old, as currently structured. Formed in 1984 apparently.

So you would think (I did) that our more venerable postal service has the advantage over our Oriental cousins. If it was Ireland, and An Post was only 2 years old, they'd still be working out which corner of the envelope to put the stamp on.

Plus we have green letterboxes. Beat that.

Well it seems that the Japanese have....

In 2003, An Post had losses of EUR30million.
In 2004, An Post made a profit of EUR7 million.
An Post has assets of EUR 37.8 million, according to the most recent stats I could find (and interpret)

Japan Post, and those of you reading the Irish Times on Monday or Tuesday may have noticed this, has assets of

EUR2.4 trillion!!!!

That's EUR 2,400,000,000,000

In a two year old company!
Remind me which side won the war?

We must copy the Japanese in everything they do!

Everything, I say!

So in Japan they have these entertainers called "Geisha"...also known as classy hookers.

Any objections to legalising prostitution?
Tough.

That's one.

Next...they're big on their public baths. Grand. Take off your clothes. I don't care if you're at work, at home or floating in a public bath risking life and limb reading this on a laptop, take it all off!
If we all pour water over ourselves simultaneously, then it sort of counts!

Third, sell An Post to Japan Post. Like now.

Fourthly.....get our asses handed to us in a major conflict.
Well that neutrality thing was never going to work in the long run was it. Let's invade the north and be done with it. We'll go down fighting. And, if history serves, all we need is a nuke or two (preferably two) dropped on us and then a few years later our technology sector will explode.
Maybe it was the radiation...like in Spiderman, sort of...

Fifth, be as incomprehensible as possible to foreigners.
Done. Ask any tourist who's looked for directions for someone down the country.

Sixth, live in a country with a long bitter history of internal struggle.
Done.

Seventh, live on an island with no natural resources.
Done.

I now proclaim Ireland to be the new Japan!

If anyone wants me, I'll be off invading Manchuria.

Jon Stewart, god of humour

Excuse my sycophantic enthusiasm.

Jon Stewart is a legend. Either the funniest smart man on television or the smartest funny man on television.

www.dailyshow.com. He has to be seen to be believed.

The Daily Show is the best thing on television, anywhere! Unfortunately I am reduced to watching clips of it online from Comedy Central but there you go.
I can't recommend the programme enough. Anyone with CNN International can watch it on Sunday nights. If yo uhave Comedy Central, I am more jealous of you than you know.

Seriously, I have learnt more about American politics from this show than from any other single source.

Watch it.

Slugger O'Toole

Just plugging someone elses blog here.

Quite a good one.

Slugger O' Toole (http://www.sluggerotoole.com-/ - also on my links column) is an excellent blog about the situation north of the border for those curious about the NI situation, those who want the place back and those (like me) who really really don't.Check it out.

Speed up, Slowcoach!

Oh I am at my wit's end.

The speed of people in this city is driving me around the bend.

I was coming to college this morning and got off at the usual stop. I could see that there was a feeder bus stopped at the level crossing and that it would save me the 20-odd minute walk to the colaiste. So I was understandably in somewhat of a hurry to get over the station bridge, out of the place and across the road to the bus-stop.

But no. I wasn't allowed to.

Because everyone else going up the steps to the bridge was walking at a snail's pace!

There are few things more frustrating in life than trying to move somewhere on foot, and being prevented from doing so by some eejit moving at about a mile an hour.

It was unreal. They just wouldn't move.

The worst are the elderly women, you know the ones with the face screwed up like a cat's backside?
The feel they've got some God-given right to the streets and that they can meander along at whatever speed they like.

Well I've got new for you, Grandma, you can't!
Speed up or die!

That would be my slogan. Quite in contrast to the "Heed your speed. Arrive alive" ones that the NRA put up on the M50.



Quite frankly I am sick of it. I nearly tossed one of the old biddies of the bridge. Would've served her right, too.

So what's my solution, I hear you ask (I have really good hearing, you see)?

Speed lanes on the pavement.

Think about it, it'd make sense! Go slow by buildings, to allow people to get in and out and window shop or whatever. And steadily increase the speed until you get to the curb, which is where the pedestrian speed demons would live.
It even makes sense logically. From slow pedestrian to fast, then come the bike, then the inner (usually slowest) car-lane, and so on.

But, as usual, no one ever asks me for my opinion on these matters...

I'm checking an American study (the things I do for you people, honestly) and they came up with some not very suprising results.

• Old women are the slowest
• Men are generally faster than women, by about half a mile an hour
• The quicker the crossing lights, the quicker people move
• People forced to walk on the road are up to 1.5 mp/h quicker than those on the pavement.

So I recommend the following initial steps be taken, to increase enjoyment of our nation's streets.

• Speed lanes on pavement
• Beatings for those going too slowly in a fast lane
• Old women not allowed on pavement. Put them in electric wheelchairs on the road and let them take their chances. They've outlives their welcome anyway..
• Bigger pavements and much wider crossing bridges at stations. O'Connell bridge has insanely narrow pavements, though I think they are being widened.

The thing that irritates me the most, next to old women, is the lack of courtesy on stairs and escalators, chiefly in DART stations. In most other places people will hug the right hand rail and leave the left hand side open for those in a hurry.

Not bloody here.

I'm recommending beatings for that too.

Beat the elderly, my motto for the day.

Green Man, Yellow Man, Reflective Man

This is a wonderfully strange proposal from the National Safety Council (the one that brought us the pirouetting flying car that crashed into the idyllic back garden and took out the kid...)

Basically they're advocating mandatory reflective clothing, to be worn by all pedestrians and cyclists.

NSC Spokesman Brian Farrell says "Im sure it's something that could be introduced."

NSC Spokesman Brian Farrell is a tool, ladies and gentlemen.

Can you picture it now? Hundreds of thousands of Dubliners all wearing really fetching reflective clothing as we cram ourselves onto the narrow streets of the city.

We would look just wonderful, wouldn't we?

I bags the blue one btw.

Actually this got me thinking (I know, a rare event).

Distinctive clothing for different social groups.

A good idea, no?

So those from down the country could wear say.... a nice tweed coat, flat cap, scruffy trousers to short for them, bandy oul' shoes and the essential rope-for-a-belt.
Or GAA jersey. Always the GAA jersey.



The urban elderly would be decked out in long brown coat, hairnet, tweed skirt and brown tights, with comfortable (God awful) shoes. And don't forget the tartan trolley they pull along behing them erraticly, like an articulated lorry out of control.

The knackers......well burburry cap at 45 degree angle, Nike tracksuit top and bottom, trouser ends tucked into white socks and runners. Also the oblicatory ear-rings, nipple rings and...other piercings named after 19th century members of the Royal family. And Argos' best jewellry.
Oh and either the tricolour emblazoned on their chest or the Chinese word for freedom etched across their shoulder blades or down an arm or two.

D4 heads would have the dubes, cords, rugger jersey, at least one or two charity wristbands colour coded to match outfit. Cap at more respectible angle. And that fucking awful accent.

Now this seems to already generally be in existence. What we need now is merely to get is enshrined in legislation. I'm sure the National Safety Council's Brian Farrell could lobby for that. That is if I don't go drinking after a match and plough into him in his back garden (is that not the stupidest and most implausible ad on television?).

But what makes my plan better than the NSC's is that with mine, you can choose who you want to hit.

Discovery Recovery

Congrats to Nasa on getting the shuttle down from space!

There were some tense moments over the past fortnight, like when they announced that the grouting stuff was sticking out from between the heat panels and that they might have to send a Russian rescue vessel up but its all okay now.

Phew!

And that loop-the-loop the captain pulled when they go into orbit was incredible, wasn't it?

Synchronised shuttles, they could make it into an Olympic sport.

To Russia with Subs

Ah Russia, will you ever learn.

Our good buddies the Soviet, sorry, Soviet-era navy has sucessfully managed to rescue the crew of the tiny sumbersible that got caught in a fishing net (actually, how small was this thing!!!!?) last week. A great demonstration of the quick reaction of the Russian emergency services and an event that will alleviate concerns about the 80 rusting nuclear submarines on the Arctic coast.

Ah but no.

No, it was the Brits who rescued them. The Russians didn't think to have a rescue sub on hand in the area when playing their "war games" last week.

Is it just me, or would you not take precautions when playing war games? Something in the title says "hey! you might get hurt! in this war simulation."

No?

And why is it that they didn't send out a resuce sub of their own. They must surely have at least one. Did it get lost on an airport carrousel or something?

Well good on the British for rescuing them. Even if the Russian nave is run by an incompetent and under-resourced administration, it's good to see that our nearest neighbours have their act somewhat together.

I can totally see where all the Arctic countries are coming from when they protest the condition of the subs in Murmansk and other ports. If I lived on the Arctic Circle, I wouldn't want my fish glowing green and hopping across the table singing Verdi, when meant to be dead. But I would also not want to live on the Arctic circle....

So don't join the Russian Navy,Unless you know all the words to "Yellow Submarine" and can tap morse code on the hull when you sink.The ability to not have to breathe would also come in handy.

Food for Thought

http://www.fotolog.net/cypher

Okay, this is so odd.

Somewhere in the world, and I'm going out on a limb and saying America (what a country!) there is someone photographing every meal he is eating, and putting it on his blog.....

In the interests of getting this guy more hits, and brightening his peculiar day, I'm linking to him! Breakfast today was a poppyseed bagel with cream cheese, in case you wanted to know.

Cretinism and Unintelligent Design

I know, I'm on a roll when it comes to really corny titles.

So everyone's favourite unpopular President is wading into something that he knows......oh say....nothing about.

He wants Intelligent Design to be taught alongside Evolution Theory in American schools so that people can understand both sides of the debate.

ID, for those of you not from the incest-states in America (and my condolences if you are) is the belief that life is far too complicated to have arisen by itself. So there must be an intelligent creator behind it. AKA God. Well hopefully God.
This belief is closely linked to the Creationism belief that God created the world and everything in it, not to mention the rest of the universe in 144 hours and then took a day's break (at the mo, I don't get a day's break!) to relax with the angels by the pool.

Otherwise known as em....

bullshit.

Now, I may not be remotely qualified to debate this in any depth, but just because Rev. Billy Bob Lynchington from Shitkicker, Georgia thinks that life is too complicated, does that really mean that it is?
Or could it be that Rev Lynchington (who I so hope exists) is merely not smart enough to comprehend it?

Saying that God is behind the creation of life to the extent that he drew up the individual designs for different species does science a disfavour. And it is all completely unproven.
I know that Darwinism is still also a theory but, when the entire scientific community gets behind an idea, it can be a good idea to take their word on it from time to time.

The other thing, and this links in to my general fear of the Religious Right in the US, is that they only seem to be promoting the Judeo-Christian line on things. I mean, if they're going to ask that creationism and ID be taught in schools, might all the other creation beliefs get a look in?

It's all a bunch of nonsense and ignorance, wrapped in a Bible. But it means that a lot of Americans in the states that will adopt this (and they will; this is a country that renamed french fries to snub France...) will be even dumber than they are now. There are more Americans apparently that believe in ID than in Darwinism already.

Islamic terrorists won't have to bomb buildings there any more. Pretty soon the Yanks won't have the smarts to build them in the first place.

Keep the Burning Bush in the Bible and out of the White House, please.

Dublin, slightly less of a rip-off!!!

We're not as pricey any more!!!
Hooray!!!

Now pints will be affordable, taxis won't bankrupt you, and the sun will always be shining.

Or not.

You see, we've gone down a notch in the list of the most expensive cities in the world. From 22 to 23.

Has anyone actually noticed a change?

I barely notice any change, mostly because I have no change because of the sterling (should that be "euro"?) efforts of the city's rip-off merchants to fleece every one of us.

We are now cheaper than Hong Kong or Sydney, and still below London, Tokyo, the whole of Scandinavia, Paris (which I found cheaper than us) and a few other cold European locations. Zurich, that's another.

But more expensive than Rome or New York. And all but 22 other cities.

Tehran is apparently the cheapest city in the world to live in. And I'd say property prices will crash there as soon as the Yanks begin bombing runs. Manila in the Phillipines is also down there somewhere (on the list and geographically. "Down there somewhere" is the limit of my knowledge of where Manila actually is on a map).

The cheapest Eurozone city is Lisbon, which I think is have burnt down at the moment. Kathmandu is near the bottom of the list at 122nd most expensive. But then again you have all the Maoist rebels to bribe, so that's a hidden cost right there.

Moscow is the second most expensive city in Europe, apparently. For what? Heavy coats? Firewood? Snow Plows? Bodyguards?
Budapest is 24th, right below us, which is bloody pricey for a new EU state. But only next door in Romania, Bucharest is one of the cheapest. I know which one I'm going to when inter-railing!

I checked out Baghdad too, just out of interest. It's the 215th most expensive city in the world, which is pretty much the bottom. Well done America!!!! You have drastically reduced the cost of living in Iraq! I'm sure the Iraqis are over the moon that things are less expensive now than they were under Saddam.

We'll just keep the Quality of Life bit to ourselves, shall we?

Actually, I propose that we copy the citizens of Baghdad and do what they do, in order to drag our cost of living down.

• (1) Ration electricity. Neighbourhoods in Baghdad alternate between having power and not having power. Well, it's summer at the moment, so we don't need the heating so yeah, that's do-able. And the summer t.v schedule is dire anyway so we won't be missing much on telly.
• (2) Cancel all public works. Fire the Corpo! Bagdad is doing well enough without a functioning city administration. And it's not that far removed from the Dublin situation anyway. Their sewage and water pipes are old and leaking...so are ours!! The Corpo spends a disproportionate amount of time pretending to fill potholes and running flags up and down the poles on O' Connell Bridge. I can do that. Actually, if anyone knows what it is that the Corpo does, post it in the comments section please.
• (3) Air is free and the water is pretty clean. So that's two staples that we don't even have to pay for.
• (4) Get the Americans in. The US are actually paying for the rebuilding of Baghdad! What an inspirational idea! We'll let them bomb a few bits (we all have a list...) and then they can rebuild it for us. No dran out planning permission problems, no residents' associations getting in the way (if the bombs fall the right way there might not be any residents)
• (5) Paramilitaries. Sorry, but killing in the name of religion hasn't been done in Ireland since a few Christian Brothers went a bit mental with the oul' whip. But killing in the name of low prices. Michael O Leary could be the Irish Ali Al' Sistani, sending his men to die for the cause of cheaper deals (he has a few pilots who are refusing to fly, doesn't he?). Once it begins, I'm sure the retailers of our fair city will get the message and slash the amount they charge. Before their necks get slashed.

So there you go. My 5 point plan to drop the cost of living in Dublin. Whether you would want to live in Dublin after all that is beside the point. If you want cheap prices, you have to go the extra mile. It's a toss up; pay high prices and live in an expensive city or pay low prices and live in Baghdad.

Actually....

Shuttlecock up

Poor NASA.

You really have to feel for them, don't you?
First they lose a shuttle, then spend nearly $1 billion fixing the problem.

18months later another shuttle is launched and....

The same thing happens again.

So it looks like the poor old shuttle (and it is getting old) is sort of doomed. What a way to go out. In a few years we'll be stuck with several mothballed spacecraft(actually the Americans will be, I didn't pay for them).

Here's my plan.

They're old.
They're not entirely safe
Very little needs to be fixed between flights

Sell them to Ryanair!!!

Budget Spacelines!

Beating Virgin before they've even begun their Galactic line of spacecraft.
It'd be great. A cheap ;n cheerful visit to the stars. The shuttle can take 25,000 kg of cargo, so there'd be plenty of room for luggage, awful inflight food, and items for on flight sales.

The thing is, though, that Ryanair has a habit of delivering you to your destination, only about 100miles out. And in space I think a little more accuracy is needed. It's sort of the difference between docking with the International Space Station and.......ramming the International Space Station.

And best of all, NASA already runs them like Ryanair planes. You're strapped in, with the bare minimum of luxuries, sent packing to where you want to go and you have a tight schedule if you want to coem back with them or not at all. And weight is always a consideration, so they already limit what goes into the shuttle on take-off. Not much different to Ryanair's policy on luggage (i.e: don't bring any).

But the number one reason they should be sold, and why NASA and Ryanair are so similar, is that you're never quite sure if you'll survive either flight!

Columbia Disaster

Not the shuttle.

They're baaaack.....

As am I. I know I've sort of been neglecting this little blog (much like the guy who left his kid in a pram in Tara St. station last week and fecked off).

So the big news recently is that the Columbia 3 are back in town. Or somewhere. We don't actually know where they are, only that they're somewhere in the country and that only Charlie Bird (Irish newsman) knows.

By the by, to anyone not from Ireland (hard luck by the way), the Columbia 3 aren't some sort of band or something. It's not like this is the Beatles reuniting for a last concert. No, no...
The Columbia 3 were charged and convicted of training FARC Guerillas a few years back. They sort of.....vanished....and were sentenced in absentia.

The 3 lads in question (and not in questioning, due to their hidden location) are all SF members and supporters. One was the party's "Ambassador" to Cuba. They were also convicted of travelling on fake Irish passports.

So the IRA declared nearly two weeks ago that the war is over, and that all its members should lay down their weapons and commit to purely peaceful means of smuggling cigarettes and sheep across the border. And now, loe and behold, a few days later the three most wanted Irishmen in the world slip home.

Our Government, taking its customary 3 1/2 month holiday, is in disarray. Partly because Michael McDowell (the most outspoken minister ever) is off on holiday and Mary Harney is left to fill his shoes up on Stephen's Green. And how much do you sympathise with whatever hotel he is staying at? He must be livid.
Our dear Taoiseach is saying little and getting nice and comfortable sitting on his upholstered fence. So the lead in this is being taken by the media, who have reported that Interpol, the Americans, the Brits and the Colombians are all demanding they be arrested.

But here's the tricky thing/lifesaver for Bertie.

We don't have any extradition treaty with Colombia. So it's not that easy to just ship 'em up on a boat and send them back. At the moment the Govt is saying that the Colombians haven't even formally requested that they do so. Which I find a little hard to believe. If they told the media they want the lads back, I assume they may have taken the time to notify Government Buildings too.
And apparently Interpol aren't demanding that they be arrested. No,no......something about a "red notice". My interest wavered, to be honest.

In effect our Government is probably collectively shitting itself in fear and confusion. Bertie doesn't want to be seen to make a decision on this, doesn't want to lose Gerry Adams' support (being practically the only party leader not to have spoken out against our bearded chum up North) and especially doesn't want to damage the rural grassroots of Fianna Fail, who might not like the "3" being sent back to Columbia to serve the sentences they were convicted of.

Now.....I'm actually not in favour of extraditing them, because I think their human rights would certianly be in danger. The UN lambastes Colombia on its record domestically and the allegations of Government supported paramilitaries bumping off opposition supporters and convicts. And that prison they're meant to be in certainly sounds like the Black Hole of Calcutta. So let them stay here then.
But let's charge and hopefully convict them ourselves. They were clearly travelling on illegal passports to get into Colombia, and I doubt they got home entirely lawfully either. Now, I know they're SF supporters and under the Good Friday Agreement they don't necessarily have to go to jail (well that seems to be Bertie and Tony's view of things), but they broke Irish law and shoudl be accountable.

Plus they're making a right fool out of the country.

And do you know the name of the last country that sheltered terrorists that America wanted brought to justice?

It was Afghanistan.