Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Alcohol A-Z: N+O

N: Nightclubs

Now that you’re drinking, you will shortly find yourself in these big, loud, crowded party zones.

Nightclubs are a convenient social forum for people of all ages to get together and try and score one another.
They’re also handy if you want to deal drugs.

Dublin is blessed with dozens of these fine establishments, ranging from the exclusive Lilly’s Bordello to the shitastic K2, which also serves-or once served-as an extra-curricular hangout for Santa Sabina students.

A few things you need to know, before you enter these weird and wonderful places.

Firstly, bouncers are everywhere. And bounders are dicks. Big dicks in black bomber jackets.
Bouncers are there ostensibly to stop riff-raff and drunks from getting into the club. However if you go to a Dublin nightclub you’ll see that (a) 50% of the people there are either knackers or English hen parties (same thing) or (b) are locked. In fact, nightclubs have bars in them so why drunks are allowed to get drunk inside but not outside beforehand is a little bit of a mystery. Presumably so the club can shaft customers with high prices.

Bouncers have given themselves some other roles, though. Their main one is to hassle anyone who tries to get in. Firstly by checking passports in greater detail than US Immigration. And also, like US Immigration, by asking you where you’ve come from.
Smart-ass answers will not be tolerated. “Home” is generally the easiest answer to avoid trouble.

Another job they’ve appointed themselves to is to bar as many guys as they can get away with, while letting girls in with comparatively little hassle. The bastards.

Nightclubs are scarily expensive. You pay to get in, you pay to store your jacket and then you pay through the roof for a badly poured pint pulled by a bored uncaring bar-worker who is probably deaf anyway, making your complaints useless.

Actually, here’s the thing.

Nightclubs are the one place-next to crazy house parties-where you can drop the “beer only” rule. Pints just aren’t a good idea in a packed club with little or no sitting room. So hit the spirits, down some shots and remember that you won’t recall any of this the next day.

And try not to get stabbed. Drink + Scumbags + Close proximity to civilised humans = fights.

O: Obesity

See Guinness.


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