Monday, November 14, 2005

Alcohol A-Z: L+M

L: Lager

Or beer…(“B” was taken)

Beer is the shit.

I’m telling you that right now. You can go off and become some faggotty little vodka and coke drinker if you want, but you also better schedule a sex change because beer is for men and spirits are for women. It’s the law of the jungle and the people who cross that line are called “queers”.

So tough shit, you’ll drink beer and you’ll like it.

In actual fact, beer is quite nice. The first thing you’ll want to do is find one that suits you, or at least one that you can keep down long enough to make it to the bathroom before puking up your ring.

From personal experience, I recommend a light American brand. One that’s not quite water, but is close enough. Now Budweiser is piss and is suitable only for knackers, rednecks and the mentally retarded. Miller is a nice easy-to-drink beer, and will set you up to migrate to a proper one later on.

When you’re finally ready for a proper beer, again I’m going to recommend a personal favourite. Heineken (and you’re going to drink that Heineken or I’ll sodomise you with the bottlenecks) is the way to go. Or Weibbeer if they have it on tap, but they won’t.

And a word of warning, don’t buy half-pints or “glasses”. It looks pretty gay. If you absolutely have to buy it, pour it into a pint glass. It’s for your own safety.

Beer, it’s tasty, refreshing and cold. And still pretty much the preserve of men, seeing as women generally can’t drink that much fluid in one sitting (and I mean nothing else by way of innuendo there).

M: Magners

Again, “B” was taken.

Magners is the Northern name for “Bulmers”.
Bulmers is the Southern term for “Bulmers”.

And in much the same way as Southern Ireland is the proper Ireland, Bulmers is the proper name for the drink.

Another proper name is piss.

Bulmers is horrible, like most cider. Don’t drink cider. It’s better than bitch drinks but only in the same way that HIV is better than AIDS.
It looks and tastes like Cidona, only not as nice.

Why people just don’t drink spiked Cidona is a mystery to me. Maybe that’s what it is.

Actually I have had some nice cider once, but it was a year and a half ago and I was drunk, so it may not have happened.


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