Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Alcohol A-Z: F+G

F: “Female Drinks”

I was going to entitle this “Bitch Drinks” but “B” was taken.

You might find yourself wondering at some stage, what the strange drinks your female companions are drinking are made of. Some of them look like Coke. Some of them taste overwhelmingly of Coke. And some taste nothing like alcohol and come in a profusion of colours so garish that you might get a seizure looking at them.

You see, because girls can’t really drink beer they have to substitute other things in order to get drunk.
One of the most popular of these is a vodka and coke. This generally consists of a shot or two of vodka on the rocks, with a dash of coke to add colour and mask the smell. Girls then knock these back and order more and more and more, until they become giddy, violent, locked or unconscious.
Vodka’s a killer, if you’re gonna drink it (you woman), then don’t mix with beer.

The archetypal bitch drinks are shite like Bacardi Breezers and WKD. This stuff is comprised of colourings, flavourings, water and a dash of alcohol-if you’re lucky. Girls like them because of the pretty colours. It reminds them of My Little Pony.

I have to stress, if you want a soft drink, order one. If you want a proper drink, order beer. These horrible little cross-dressers of the alcohol world fall somewhere in between. As will you if you drink them.

G: Guinness

If you look in the dictionary, you’ll find “Guinness” next to the entry “Acquired Taste”. It takes a while to get used to drinking tar, but it’s a nice drink, and grows on you surprisingly quickly.

One of the downsides of Guinness is that you too will grow surprisingly quickly. I don’t really know what’s in it, but if you make drinking the black stuff a habit, you’ll inflate like a balloon.
The other downside of Guinness….well I won’t go into it here, but it destroys your insides and it’s not a pleasant experience when it completes its journey through you.

Not at all.

Guinness is of course the national drink, and is the most famous export from this island. So you might think it’s your patriotic duty to drink it. But I’d advise against that, as you will turn into a human bowling ball with a pathological fear of going to the toilet.A pint or two here and there is no harm though.


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