Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Speed up, Slowcoach!

Oh I am at my wit's end.

The speed of people in this city is driving me around the bend.

I was coming to college this morning and got off at the usual stop. I could see that there was a feeder bus stopped at the level crossing and that it would save me the 20-odd minute walk to the colaiste. So I was understandably in somewhat of a hurry to get over the station bridge, out of the place and across the road to the bus-stop.

But no. I wasn't allowed to.

Because everyone else going up the steps to the bridge was walking at a snail's pace!

There are few things more frustrating in life than trying to move somewhere on foot, and being prevented from doing so by some eejit moving at about a mile an hour.

It was unreal. They jus
t wouldn't move.

The worst are the elderly women, you know the ones with the face screwed up like a cat's backside?
The feel they've got some God-given right to the streets and that they can meander along at whatever speed they like.

Well I've got new for you, Grandma, you can't!
Speed up or die!

That would be my slogan. Quite in contrast to the "Heed your speed. Arrive alive" ones that the NRA put up on the M50.

Quite frankly I am sick of it. I nearly tossed one of the old biddies of the bridge. Would've served her right, too.

So what's my solution, I hear you ask (I have really good hearing, you see)?

Speed lanes on the pavement.

Think about it, it'd make sense! Go slow by buildings, to allow people to get in and out and window shop or whatever. And steadily increase the speed until you get to the curb, which is where the pedestrian speed demons would live.
It even makes sense logically. From slow pedestrian to fast, then come the bike, then the inner (usually slowest) car-lane, and so on.

But, as usual, no one ever asks me for my opinion on these matters...

I'm checking an American study (the things I do for you people, honestly) and they came up with some not very suprising results.

  • Old women are the slowest
  • Men are generally faster than women, by about half a mile an hour
  • The quicker the crossing lights, the quicker people move
  • People forced to walk on the road are up to 1.5 mp/h quicker than those on the pavement.

So I recommend the following initial steps be taken, to increase enjoyment of our nation's streets.

  • Speed lanes on pavement
  • Beatings for those going too slowly in a fast lane
  • Old women not allowed on pavement. Put them in electric wheelchairs on the road and let them take their chances. They've outlives their welcome anyway..
  • Bigger pavements and much wider crossing bridges at stations. O'Connell bridge has insanely narrow pavements, though I think they are being widened.

The thing that irritates me the most, next to old women, is the lack of courtesy on stairs and escalators, chiefly in DART stations. In most other places people will hug the right hand rail and leave the left hand side open for those in a hurry.

Not bloody here.

I'm recommending beatings for that too.

Beat the elderly, my motto for the day.


Blogger Robin said...

Same thing, I was last off the dart at the same station on Monday and the 2nd last guy dawdled over the bridge at about 1mph taking his time even though I was clearly tryign to push past him. I also hate people who try and make it through a crowd on the bridge to the side the crowd are coming from, even though the the train has clearly left and they are just barging up past everyone.

5:41 AM  
Blogger FJR said...

The other demographic on my deathlist are the Yuppie women. The ones in trouser suits and ridiculous heels.
They totter up the steps like drunken penguins.
And the side entrance is closed now for months for some reason, so there's no way around them!

I bet that the high heel yuppies turn into the elderly pavement queens.

5:48 AM  
Blogger JL Pagano said...

How can you start a debate on people taking up valuable pavement space without mentioning chix wit prams???? They are the taxi drivers of the footpaths, charging to and from as if they own the bleedin space.

Ah look what you've done, you've gone and gotten me all riled up. Now I want to go out and bazooka a load of old ladies, yuppie women and chix with prams.

Now, where did I put that bazooka....

7:28 AM  

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